Yesterday was the first time I rode an ambulance alone with her on a stretcher, I was inside but it felt like I wasn’t there, I felt like I lost my other senses and my face was empty. All I heard and felt were the wallops of siren piercing my whole being, as if there were an earthquake shaking me, and the rush pouring all over, running faster than time. But I was hollow, as if I don’t know who I am and I don’t know how to feel anymore.

I saw how her face melted, and how she told me she wants to sleep now. She was whispering my name, and I wanted to sink right at that moment. I wanted to change my name, and pretend I don’t care. I was scolding myself to not cry, to set aside the pain in my head, to swallow what I want to vomit, to be still, because I have no choice but to be…

I realized how different it is when you’re the only one on their sides, when all you have is yourself to hug and to comfort during those times.

I knew I was my mother yesterday, who have experienced and did the same thing for her parents and for me way back.

And adulthood proved me once again of how strong I can be, what I can do and how I can survive, on a different aspect of life.

I know it was the siren of the ambulance that hit my head and left a mark I wouldn’t erase. And then phone calls, phone calls… I can’t forget the reverberating sounds.

I saw a lot of people I wouldn’t dare to look at before… I always say how I hate hospitals. I couldn’t stand to look at them because there’s always a punch in my heart, a pain that lingers within them that I can feel too, that’s so much to bear. But chance took me, I watched them. I witnessed how strong they are. I witnessed a lot of fighters beating death, forcefully but more solemn than wars.

It’s really a wonder how people always survive and choose to survive.

I love you Mama. I acquired my strength from you, I repeatedly witnessed how strong your soul is. I know you’ll rise in no time.

© Image from Brooke Shaden Photography

24 Replies to “SIREN”

  1. Oh Eli this is really deep! The way you express your pain is so skillful. I am so sorry. I can only imagine how hard it might be. I am emailing you later today!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh my GOD! This is so poignant and heartrenching. I am feeling all of this with you. Oh my GOD. I think I understand. This is brilliant writing. Thankyou for sharing it with us.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Stay strong Eli. I won’t ask you to hold your tears because letting out the pain is very important, but at the same time don’t dissolve so much in your tears that you can’t grow strong again yeah?
    You have my prayers with and for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Great hospital trip inspired piece.
    very relatable and vivid.

    one of my favorite lines would have to be
    “I know it was the siren of the ambulance that hit my head and left a mark I wouldn’t erase.”

    well penned Eli Kyoko.


  5. This is amazing post,Eli Kyoko. It is a clear reflection of your strong mindset.
    Be brave and every thing will be fine!
    Be happy and keep a smile on your face.

    Liked by 1 person

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